Regrets?

Hello there!

I made a new friend recently, and that has made me pretty happy. Recently, that friend and I were talking about self-love and regrets. We talked about how life comes with many regrets, and how we couldn't avoid some regrets in life.

Well, it got me thinking about the regrets I've felt in my life thus far. I've done many crazy things in my life, and regrets has seldom been a word that I used for my experiences. However, as I looked back this morning, I realised that I indeed faced some regrets in my life.

Therefore, I'm going to write about something a little sensitive for me today. It's a little personal, so I hope I will be able to complete this post properly. However, I feel like I should be using my experiences to let people understand the importance of self-love and regrets.

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I have had a very much dramatic secondary school life, and I thank those who stood by all the drama everyday for sticking by me through those times. There were some stuff that many didn't know, some that most people knew; some, well, I preferred to keep them to myself.

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#01: Don't ever let the word fat dictate your life

Yes, I am not the skinniest girl around, nor do I have abs and a perfect body. In fact, I do find myself to be pretty overweight sometimes. However, I am not overweight please don't judge me. However, I used to be really fat. Post PSLE, I celebrated my holidays with a lot of food and grew a lot fatter when I began school in secondary one.

A comment made by a male classmate one day, resulted in a year-long torture for me. Since I had a horrible double chin and my face was round like a ball, I told myself to lose weight. Therefore, I skipped dinner everyday for an entire year.

I read somewhere that dinner was the most fattening meal of the day, due to the late hours and portions we often eat. Therefore, I refused to eat dinner for an entire year. I would tell my friends that I'm going home to eat with my family, and tell my family that I already ate with my friends. To prevent suspicion on both ends, I sat with my friends through dinner time before I went home.

I managed to grow near to 10cm that year, and gained 0kg. It was a great achievement for me, and I felt so happy at that point. However, I begun to realised how horrible it felt to be missing out on dinner everyday. Eventually, I found the courage to eat again.

Yes, it felt amazing to have gained 0kg over the course of one year, despite growing up to 10cm. However, that one-year period was a torture. I had to watch people eat, feel the pain of gastric everyday, and endure it through sleep. I told myself every night, that breakfast was coming. It was painful, and the end result did not make me as happy as I expected myself to be.

Please, don't ever let people's comments dictate your diet. Don't let an insensitive boy who said you were fat to starve yourself everyday. Eat as much sugar as you want, you can exercise to work the fats off. I was real lucky to have found the courage to eat dinner again, but these diets have caused their effects on me as well.

Since I wanted to be skinny, I forced myself to hate sweet stuff. No chocolates, no sweets, no cookies or brownies unless a special occasion calls for one little slice. I told myself that I hate cakes, despite loving the taste of sponge cake, and only snuck a skittle once in awhile to keep the brain going. Since I told everyone that I detest sweet stuff, people stopped offering me. Therefore, I managed to stay healthy.

However, that did not make me any happier than when I ate sweet stuff. I did not feel any better... Not even when I felt skinnier. This has caused its effects on me, because I now find myself to truly detest sweet stuff. I will no longer be able to enjoy chocolates without feeling like puking, and eat sweets without feeling the urge to wash the taste down with a lot of water.

When we are young, we should enjoy the sweet things in life. I let the words of certain individuals dictate my diet, and will never be able to go back to the days when I could eat endlessly and gain little or no weight.

To all the people out there who think they are fat, you are not fat. You are amazing just the way you are, so please just eat that chocolate bar already. Please stop drinking that diet tea the salesman told you will help you to lose weight in a healthy manner, and stop swallowing your saliva during dinner and pick up the fork. Breakfast is a long time away from dinner, and maggie mee can be sinful but enjoyable once in awhile.

Don't hurt yourself for a skinny body, it's just not worth the while.

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#02: Don't, ever, ever, ever, ever self-harm.

I know it's been a trend these days to hurt oneself; it's common to let the physical pain numb the emotional and psychological pain we feel. I get it. I've been there. But don't do it, please. It helps nothing.

I vaguely remember the first time I cut.

I did badly on a test, my then-boyfriend and I broke off, and I felt like the world was crashing down on me. I headed to a popular after school, refusing to return home in a bad mood. There, I remembered that my friend mentioned about how pen knives could make your mood better. I went over to the stationery section, and picked a pink-colour pen knife.

I brought it home that night, and was initially afraid of the pain. However, when the blood begun to bleed, I felt as if the pain I felt emotionally was released. I felt like this physical pain, which was causing so much tears, was a way to cure me of the emotional pain I felt. I told myself, this is right. This feels right.

For months, and years... I continued this method of numbing my pain. I kept my pen knife in my pocket, and always told my parents that I simply injured myself during dance. My friends found out, but I gave little care to their worrying and nagging. They don't understand how I feel; They don't know the pain I feel. That's what I told myself.

But you know what? These scars don't go away. The scars on your arms? They stay. You will live the rest of your life remembering the boy and test that left you that scar. You will remember, clearly, the day you cried below his house because he refused to meet you and you didn't want to go home. That day, you watched your arm bleed and felt happier for a bit.

These scars stay, and they will always be a memory of the regrets you've made.

It took me near to 2 years, before the cutting stopped. I hid in the school toilet one day, feeling like I needed a deeper cut to rid me of my emotional pain. My friends rushed to the toilet, and stood outside crying. Some of them were banging on the door to ask me to come out, and some simply felt helpless. As I heard the tears, I realised the pain I was inflicting on the people who cared for me, while I was only caring about my own pain.

I broke my pen knife that day. I never looked back.

No boy is worth the blood on your wrist, and no test is so bad that you have to cut the words failure on your arm. Sending him photos of your bleeding wrist won't make him love you any more than he already does, and they won't heal the way your scrapped knees do.

These pain you inflict on yourself, they stay with you for the rest of your life. Don't make the mistake, please don't. If you ever, ever feel a need to rid yourself of emotional pain, punch a pillow or throw things around. Don't build pain on yourself to make yourself feel numb. You didn't numb yourself from the pain, you simply found a better reason to cry.

You only gave yourself the courage to cry, after holding it in for far too long.

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#03: Never let someone's compliments push you to your limits

What do I mean by this? Have you ever gotten a compliment from someone who mattered to you, over something completely insignificant? Have you ever worked harder than ever to continue getting compliments from that same person, despite knowing that you're pushing your limits?

I have.

I remember somewhere in secondary three, where I was continuously complimented by friends that I had a very flexible back. Since I was born with a flexible back, I required little effort to do stunts and stretches that required my back.

After receiving compliments from friends, I told myself to work harder. I had to work harder, and push my limits, to get better compliments from them. I had to be better than I was before, just so that I could feel my worth. Yes, I got my worth over the words of others. That, was unhealthy.

In the beginning, it was all fun and encouraging. Until it stops being so.

A few attempts to stretch my back further without warming up properly, eventually caused severe pain to me. However, I told myself that it was just the pain we feel when we're stretching ourselves. It was a healthy pain that would be accompanied with muscle-ache the following day, signifying our stretch the day before. The muscle-ache never arrived, and I was never the same again.

Until today, I can't lie on my stomach for an extended period of time. I could lie, of course, if I didn't mind the pain. However, the moment I begin lying on my stomach, my back will feel a spiking pain. Over half a minute of lying there would hurt enough for me to tear, and I seldom tear at pain.

There was no way I could have continued stretching my back, despite remaining flexible until today. All I do now, is smile and do whatever I can do. Whatever I can't, I simply smile and watch others do it. I let the compliments of others dictate my worth, and eventually resulted in the failure to take care of myself.

Sometimes, I feel like the most worthless person.

Don't let these compliments get to you, it's like the devil calling out to you. Don't let what others say, dictate your worth. You're worth more than the pretty looks you have, the amazing body you trained yourself to have, the flexibility of your limbs, or your popularity and wealth. You're worth so much more, and you should never conform to these compliments to push you beyond your limits.

You'd never know, one day, you may not be able to turn back again.

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That was 3 of the bigger regrets in my life, albeit having many relationships in the past and having people ask me if I regret them. Ps. I don't. Anyway, I believe that many of us have faced similar issues in our younger, or current days. Some people may still be facing them, and some may come across such issues in the future. However, it's important to not lose sight of what's important and what matters.

Youth is a beautiful and precious thing; Hold onto the days you can eat as many chocolates as you want, drink as much soda as you want, soak your pillow over a broken heart and hit the wall over a failed test. Don't harm yourself where you shouldn't, and don't push yourself beyond limits where you know you can't achieve in a short period of time.

Please love yourself, for there are many people out there who love you. Someday, you'll understand. Until that day, please take care of yourself.

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Black or White by Glee. It was originally a song by Michael Jackson, but I found it to be a real motivating song!