Yesterday my friend was just commenting on how I never write a blog post inspired by her/our interactions and I'm sorry but this post isn't going to be inspired by us either! However, I would definitely finish the post I was writing about us yesterday.
Someday, I will.
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A few months ago, I saw all over twitter regarding this phenomenon(?) at that time - The Break Up Season. There was some photograph of a couple during Colour Run circulating around the social media site, where the boy typed a whole chunk of sweet, loving dedication to his girlfriend. Kudos to his effort, I hope you have a beautiful relationship.
However, whether it was psychological or true, The Break Up Season did have its effects on a few of my peers. Some of the long time couples I knew began to have problems, some eventually parted ways in fact.
A few friends of mine took their separation badly, and some remain upset till this day. Of course, there were those who entered a relationship shortly before The Break Up Season and parted ways happily without ill feelings. Now those, I don't worry. However, it did come to my attention regarding the feelings about a break-up.
Some of my friends have experienced their first heart break, while some have just added one more to the list again. Today, I decided to write about the feelings about these break-ups. I may not be speaking for all the heart-broken people out there, but I'm sure at least 1-2 people can relate to what I'm going to be writing about.
And to those who have, well, never had a heart break, here's just some food for thought.
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#01: You will text him, soon. I'm so sure of it.
A common advice given during a break up, is to "stop contacting the other party" because further contact will only result in the inability to move on or will cause the both of you to get back together again, which in their opinion is obviously a mistake?
However, I can safely tell you that you're going to contact him again. Whether it will be after months of almost hitting the "send" button but pulling back at the last minute until one fateful night, or the day after because you cried so bad missing him... You will definitely talk to him again.
While I'm not exactly sure it's good to maintain contact, I can tell you that maintaining contact does not always make you unable to move on. You will be able to move on, and the critical factor isn't in breaking off contact, but time. You can choose not to contact him for 3 months, and when you do, you'd still go back to square one. However, you can choose to talk to him, and maybe after half a year, you'll feel better already.
That being said, some people believe that it's not possible to be friends or acquaintances after a break up, so they choose to break off all contact. That is completely understandable.
It's not possible to tell yourself that you will never contact the boy again. At some point, some night when you've had a little too much to drink, thoughts of the both of you will float into your mind again, and you'll find the courage within you to hit the send button. There's nothing wrong with that, so don't feel horrible just because you caved in.
There is nothing wrong with maintaining contact after a break up. We make our choices and we live with it; whatever your best friend tells you about "STOP CONTACTING HIM" and "OMG WHY ARE YOU SO DUMB" is bull shit. Listen to what you want to do, and act accordingly. Whatever works for them may not work for you.
I can safely tell you that maintaining contact does not always result in the stereotypical outcomes; sometimes, it helps you to move on better. You just have to do what's right for you, whatever the decision is. You have to remember that true friends will always remember what you truly want, and they will support you regardless of the bad decisions you choose to make.
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#02: Seeing his photograph is going to hurt. But it's ok to feel sad.
Being in a relationship, often meant you knew what the other was doing at any point of time. Even if he was going to shower, he'd leave you a text saying "Hey babe, I'm going to shower now. Ttyl."
However, breaking up meant you're not entitled to texts like these anymore. It meant that you no longer will be able to know what's happening in his life except through photographs of him, or regards passed on from his friends.
Sometimes, you'd find out that he spent his day with that group of friends you never liked very much, through a photograph he posted on Instagram. Sometimes, you'd see him tweet "Studying is killing me" and find out that his exams are coming. Right, it almost slipped your mind. He mentioned it once when the both of you were still together.
Finding out about his life this way, is going to hurt. Sometimes, it's going to kill you. It's going to kill you knowing that you can never be sure of what's going on in his life anymore. It will make you stare at that photograph or tweet for as long as 10 minutes, and go back to it a few hours later.
But that's ok, because sometimes that's how we move on too. I've found that, sometimes, we find out how they have moved on through these photographs. In some cases, that reassurance that they have moved on is the trigger for us to move on too. It may not work for everyone, but I'm sure it works for some.
Feeling sad about looking at the photographs does not mean you still love him, but you miss the idea of knowing every little detail about his life. You miss being the one who could readily tell anyone that he's currently busy, or what he's been up to recently. You will miss knowing everything, because humans will, more often than not, want to be in the know of things.
It's going to hurt, and I'm sorry if you feel so much pain thinking of the recent photograph you saw of him. But I'm sure he's doing well, and so will you. Let the pain pass someday, but don't push yourself into pretending that it doesn't hurt when it does. Feel the pain, and miss those times, but don't miss him. Don't miss him at all.
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#03: Telling you bad things about him isn't going to make anything better
I'm sorry to the really kind friends out there who want to help by spouting bad stuff about the ex-boyfriend, but I can tell you that it doesn't work. These people, hurt and crying, have found many reasons to dislike that boy. Despite so, she chose to love that boy anyway.
Why did she choose that, knowing that the boy has so many flaws? That's because love meant accepting the flaws and bringing out the strengths. His flaws would definitely have been, at some point in time, a reason for argument. However, those flaws are not something the girl has never heard of.
For every flaw about him you mention to her, she's going to be reminded of the arguments they had over it, the way she saw the good in him despite his flaws, and the way they made up after. She will always see the good in him when you mention a flaw she already knows, and she will smile and laugh at you - she can see your effort.
Despite seeing your effort, what's running through her mind isn't how horrible a person he is, but how beautiful he is at the end of the day. That despite having flaws, he was still beautiful in her eyes.
Making her hate him doesn't make things better, because hate does not cancel out love. Sometimes, hate grows proportionately with love. It is not a plus minus scale, because love and hate shouldn't be measured this way. The best way to overcome love, can be more love. Healthier love, through forgiveness, understanding, love in something else/someone else, and the ability to love oneself.
Don't force her to hate him, she couldn't do it. Not now, at least.
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#04: You'll wake up one morning and miss him
I'm sorry for breaking that news to you.
One day, maybe days or months or years down the road, you're going to wake up and miss him. It's going to feel like the very first day you felt the day after he left you. You're going to wake up and feel the same emptiness, horrible feelings, you once felt.
You would have moved on, found a better future for yourself, and probably became good friends with him again. However, you're going to wake up one day to miss him. Someday, just out of the blue, you'll feel this way. When you see his photograph again, you'll feel the pain you felt on day one.
For a moment, it's going to feel as if you never moved on. You're going to feel like you're back to square one, and everything you've built over the years of moving on from that memory have crumbled to nothing once again. But that feeling you feel, it doesn't last. Don't worry, because it wouldn't last.
You're going to wake up the next day feeling completely alright again, and smile at your husband lying by your side. You're going to tell yourself that yesterday was just a bad day, a bad dream.
But this cycle, it repeats. For every person you truly love, it repeats in its own orbit, circling around your life again and again.
For every of those bad day, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you'll wake up missing him, and both of your memories. I'm sorry you're never going to forget him. I'm sorry that, when someday you have children who are experiencing their first heart break, you'll be reminded of him.
I'm sorry that every tumblr post you see that relates to him is going to remind you of him again. But it's going to be ok the next day.
Today may be that day, or tomorrow, or perhaps that was yesterday. It's completely ok, because that will just be a bad day. Who knows? Maybe one day when you wake up to miss him, you'll smile and cry because you also thank him for being a part of your life.
One thing I'm sure - you're never going to forget him. Years down the road, you're going to remember that name, and that expression he had the last time you saw him. You're going to remember him for every time someone with the same name introduces themselves to you.
And, that is completely alright. I hope that you smile at your memories, and thank him quietly to the stars that night for being a part of your life. I hope you look at the stars and is reminded of him, and wishes him the best wherever he is. I hope you look at the photographs of him and his new girlfriend, and smile because he finally found someone who could give him what you couldn't.
More importantly, I hope you found someone who could give you what he couldn't. I hope you thank the stars after missing him, that you found a better reason to smile than cry. I hope you found it somewhere in your heart to forgive him for hurting you, and I hope you will always remember him as a fond memory rather than a painful one.
I hope, you're happy.
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#05: He's going to find someone new
Look, he's going to find someone else. A girl, possibly more beautiful than you, even if your friends deny so and continuously insults her. She's going to be smiling as bright as you did when you took photographs with him. He's going to look a little tired, but he's going to smile the same way he did when he took photographs with you too.
He's going to hold her the way he held you, and you're going to remember that photograph your friends took for both of you where he held you that way too. At some point, you'll rummage through your photographs to look at that one photograph... And think about what happened that day.
People move on, and we have to be ready to accept that. One day, he's going to be talking to a girl about how he hasn't moved on from his past relationship with a beautiful girl. He's going to tell her how much he misses you, and how he doesn't know how to move on. She will comfort him, and tell him stuff he needs to hear to make him feel better.
At some point, their conversations will shift away from you. He will start asking her about her life, and she's going to tell him about a boy who once meant the world to her as well. Then, he will find reasons to become friends with this girl who stood by his side when he was hurt over you.
Someday, he's going to ask her out for lunch. She's going to say yes, and they will have a great time chatting over silly nothings the way the both of you did once. They will walk side by side, and after a long time since the both of you broke up, he's going to feel happy again. You have to be ok with that, the fact that he's happy without you.
Finally, he will tell her how much she means to him. She will smile, and tell him that she will try her best not to hurt him the way you did. He will tell her, that he will not hurt her the way he hurt you. You should be glad, that's one less girl in this world who would feel the way you did.
Then, they are going to be together.
At first, it will just be cute texts and late night phone calls. Eventually, he's going to look at her the way he looked at you. He's going to tell her the jokes he once told you, and smile at the way she laughs because he realised that her laughter is the most beautiful sound he has ever heard in his life. He's going to feel happy, and he will be glad. He's going to be thankful that the both of you broke up, so that she could finally enter his life the way she did.
You're going to have to be ok with all that. Because someday, you may see them on the road. She will recognise you from his old photographs she stalked from his Instagram when she secretly liked him. He will recognise you but feel afraid that his current girlfriend will get upset. You're going to have to be ok with putting up a faint smile, and walking past them. You're going to have to be ok with seeing that scene, and walk away like it's nothing to you.
It may not be nothing to you, and it may hurt so bad. I'm sorry you have to feel this way. But someday, you'll find it within yourself to give them your blessings. You're going to tell her in your own head, to take good care of him. You're going to smile at their photographs, and hope that they don't end up the way the both of you did. You're going to be glad that he grew up, and maybe someday you will too. Or perhaps, you already did.
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#06: Sometimes, that someone new may be someone you know
It's very common these days to have overlapping friends between couples. That could also be attributed to the fact that the both of you were friends in the same clique before falling in love.
While we've all heard of the bro code and girls code, we know that's not humanly possible in today's society where we are all connected. Honestly, the bro code and girls code is so old it should be extinct by now.
I'm sorry to those who take the bro code and girls code seriously, but I don't think it always work that way. We can't just tell someone to stop feeling the way they do because their friend once dated that person. There is no way to force love, and honestly... You aren't a very good friend yourself if you tell your friend to stop loving the person they do because you once dated him/her.
Anyway, back to the topic.
When you break up, one of your friend who is a common friend may be stuck in the middle. She may have to comfort both ends without offending the other, having known both of you. She's going to be a great friend who can tell you how his life has been.
She's going to help him to move on as well. By comforting him and being by his side when he's alone, she's going to be his only pillar of support. At some point, she's going to tell him things about you that will help him to move on better - whether you're moving on, or that you wouldn't want him to feel this way either.
Someday, he will find in himself that she's an amazing girl. He's going to see her as his comfort zone, his pillar of support, and a safety zone he can completely be himself around. She saw him cry, she knew what happened, and she took him through the tough days.
Then, somehow, they may get together the way I explained it earlier in #05. However, it won't be that easy this time round.
They are going to be afraid that they will hurt you, and they will pretend like they are not in love with one another. She will feel conflicted everyday over a silly logic invented by some chick flick called the girls code. She is going to be afraid that she will hurt you, and more so, she will be afraid that she and him will end up the way both of you did.
She's going to have to hide her feelings from him, so she can protect all of you. It will take her so much courage, to be able to admit to everyone how she feels about him. Be patient with her, be kind to her. Forgive her, for falling in love with the person who made you feel the pain you felt. Forgive her, for you once fell in love with the same smile too.
Wish them the best, for you know how precious both of them are. Wish them the best, you'd know them well enough to know how compatible they'd be. Wish him the best, he got a beautiful girl who cared about friendship and love so much she felt conflicted for so long. Wish her the best, he was indeed one of the most beautiful boy you've ever loved.
If he wasn't, why did you love him?
You will move on, and you will find someone beautiful to love. I'm sure of it. Until that day, I hope you will wish them the best. I hope you'll assure her that it's ok to fall in love with him. I hope, that despite still feeling pain from breaking up with him, you'll smile in front of him. It will assure her, and him as well.
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#07: You are going to be ok
I'm sorry if it hurts so bad you cry every night. I'm sorry if seeing him with someone new hurts so bad you feel like your life is empty. I'm sorry if your eyes are swollen the next day but you are afraid that he'll notice it and realise how weak you are.
Many people will tell you, that you're going to be ok. Most of the times, you're going to smile and tell them that you're fine. But, don't be. Don't be fine or ok now. Keep feeling that overwhelming emotion you feel when you're alone in the shower, or staring at your phone in your bed at night. Tell people that you're not ok when you're truly not.
It takes courage to admit that you are not ok, over the courage to pretend that everything is fine. It takes an immense amount of trust and courage, to be able to tell someone that you wish things were better. Please don't tell people that you're fine when you're not, because you're entitled to feel the way you do right now.
Just because it was a relationship which wasn't worth the tears, doesn't make it any less tearful. Just because people don't see this relationship the way you did, doesn't make it any less important. Every tear you cry for him, it represents the emotions and pain you felt when the both of you decided that you should abandon what you shared.
But someday, I can't tell you when, or where, or how, or why, you're going to be ok. You're going to wake up feeling like the sun is shining just right, and your pillow is dry. You're going to wake up to anticipate a beautiful day ahead, and you will forget that you once soaked your pillow for him. That day, you won't wake up to wish he texted you, because you'll wake up to not wish for anything at all.
One day, it will be ok. One day, you will be ok. That day will come, regardless of how long you take. But don't worry, because someday, you'll stop crying your eyes swollen for him. Don't worry.
I hope that day comes soon for you, and I hope that day is just as beautiful as today is.
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Shake it out. (covered by Glee) I hope you can shake these sad feelings off soon, I do hope so for you. I hope, that soon, you'll feel better.
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