Hello there!

I am really tired recently due to the juggling of both work and dance. However, I am trying to get myself more awake, so bear with me today.

Have you ever wondered how your wedding will go? What dress you will wear, and what flowers you will use for your bouquet? I have, because I have OCD and I hate if anything don't end up perfect. I actually want to plan my own wedding, instead of hiring a wedding planner. Trust me, it's difficult to convey your thoughts to others.

However, I am sure that a few years down the road, what I picture my wedding to be now will be different. I still want to write it down, and read back on my younger days a few years down. I am a very weird person though, so I have very weird requests for my wedding.

To the Joanna who may be 29 or 35 and still single ((ready to mingle)), please try to make your wedding the way we planned it to be when we were 19. You'd never regret it, it's beautiful in our minds. Yes, you'd remember it. Trust me, you'd remember.

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#01: Baby Breaths with Roses


Now, it's no surprise that I'm a flower person. I absolutely adore anything with flowers, and the flowers for my bouquet has to be perfect. I hate the idea of having lousy flowers at my wedding, a day where I am entitled to put as much flowers as I want. I actually thought of having a greek-style wedding before, since it's kind of rustic and also very natural. However, I realised how my OCD will kill me at the messy arrangements so I gave up on that thought.

For my bouquet, I'd love fresh red roses surrounded by white baby breaths. Contrary to popular belief, I do not like pink roses. I love the colour pink, but not on my roses. I adore dark red roses, the ones the colour of wine or velvet. Bright roses are just not my thing. The contrast between the dark red and the white will make for a beautiful bouquet.


I also love baby breaths because they go well with anything - food or decorations. They are the perfect complimentary items, and they would make a lovely addition to my bouquet.

Yes, my favourite flowers are Cherry Blossoms. However, it is not feasible to use them for my bouquet, and they don't look that good as bouquet anyway. They could, though, be used as decorations around the place. I'm still exploring that thought for now.

But yes, baby breaths with roses.

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#02: Garden Wedding


Many overly-romantic people who have read too many a Nicholas Sparks novel will tell you that a beach wedding is romantic. Either that, or they'd go for a complete church wedding. Since I am very much a flower person, I'd prefer a garden wedding.

It doesn't have to be a huge park or anything, but I love the idea of laying white sheets on the fresh grass and placing white chairs on them. A little stage could be set up at the front for the officiating person, and a red carpet could be laid in the middle as the aisle I'd walk down.

My chairs have to either be light-brown or white, there is no compromise in this. If it was white, it should be covered with white sheets, like the ones you have at wedding dinners. A white cloth, as I mentioned, will be laid on the grass to mark out the areas used for the wedding.

I was considering the idea of an arch, but realised how much of a fairytale it will look like, and gave up on that thought.

Flowers should be placed at the back of every chair as decorations, and a rose on each chair. Therefore, each attendee will be given a rose. Of course, I'll get the best smelling insect repellent to repel the mosquitoes. I am not cruel. I did picture the main area to be set under a huge tree at the side, so we'd get some shade anyway.


The entire area used should be marked out with a picket fence, white of course. It could be light-brown too, I don't actually know. The cocktail reception before the wedding should be using cocktail tables that are tied with white clothes. Flowers should be stuck at the bow that is used to keep the sheets together.

Flowers should be decorated around the picket fence as well, and rose petals should be laid on the red carpet.


I know, it sounds like a lot of flowers. I love flowers, so it's understandable.

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#03: A short dress


I'm not a big fan of those huge, puffy dress that makes you look fat. Don't get me wrong, because I absolutely adore the Victorian days. However, I'd prefer to be more comfortable on my wedding.

My dress should be a tube dress that is full white (or maybe a tint of champagne gold). It will be short in the front, and long at the back. It will touch the floor just a bit at the back, and has a two-layered frill. The outside layer will be translucent, of course. The front will reach slightly above my knee, so I can show off my beautiful wedding shoes.


For my wedding shoes, I'd appreciate a little heel or flats. It will be designed like a ballet shoe, with strings to act as ribbons that lead up to my knee. Since the front of my dress will reach above my knee, it will be a perfect match. My shoes can have a light tint of baby pink.

The hair has to be perfect. P-E-R-F-E-C-T. 


I'm thinking of a slight twist for my fringe that will lead down to the back from the sides. It will start from the middle and go to both sides, and then downwards. The rest of my hair will be let down, and I will give the bottom part a slight curl. My hair has to be either light-brown that shines under the sun, or blonde that isn't too bright (so it's quite pastel blonde).

A flower crown is a definite yes for my veil, with little colourful flowers lined across the crown. The veil has to be a long and thin one, with only one translucent layer. It will be tied to the flower crown, and has to be pure white. There is no compromise in this.

I should be wearing a beautiful ring, with no bracelets. I don't want arm candies on my wedding, contrary to what I wear on normal days. However, I'd love to have a beautiful necklace on my wedding day - preferably my cross. It has been with me all my life, and should take me through my wedding as well. I thank the Lord for being by me, in happiness and in sadness.

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#04: Natural make-up?


I won't say I don't want to put make-up, but I don't want thick make-up either. I'm best when I look natural, that's true. My nails will be painted with white and pink and gold nail polishes. It has to be messy and in an unpredictable pattern; However, it has to be full colour. I have to pick the colours of my own, the tint and the thickness.

For my face, I'd go for a light make-up. Since I have full brows, I just have to put some colour into it to fit my hair colour. Preferably a light-brown? It shouldn't be too light either, else it'd look unnatural. My lips, very importantly, should be a light pink/nude tint. I don't like red lip stick on myself because I'm too tanned for it. A light gloss with some white eyeshadow on the middle portion to make it look natural. It could be a light pink either, so that it will look more natural.

I'd love to have green eyes, but I know I'm Asian so let's just stick to natural eye colours. My blush needs to be a light pink, and my eye shadow should only have nude colours and white. Not the thick cream ones, the powder ones. My foundation has to be liquid though, I hate powder foundation.

My eye-liner will be thin, with a slight wing at the tip. It shouldn't be thick, because I'm going for a natural look. I hate bronzer, because I think it makes my nose look oily. However, it will be good to make my cheekbones and jawline sharper.

I do hope to be skinnier by my wedding though, 48kg is a very good weight. No, I'm not revealing my weight now. Get out.

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#05: Food & Cocktail


I'm a very fussy eater, since I hate vegetables and haven't tried most of the ocean animals that are edible. Heck, I don't even eat sharks fin. Not that I hate it, I just disliked the look of it and never tried it. I also don't eat vinegar, because I absolutely hate the smell.

I'd serve chicken soup if I could, cream if possible. Cream of chicken is heaven, and have you tried it for supper? It's amazing supper material. ((ok I know I'm fat)) The dishes will have to be meal-filled, with maybe 1 vegetables. Don't bother with prawns, they are messy to eat and even messier to clear. Mushrooms have a bad smell and they look bad, so that's a no.


I love steamed fish, and I'd appreciate chicken meat too. The dessert should be something with strawberries, but no pudding. I hate pudding, because they are a weird knock-off of jelly. The vegetables shouldn't be stalk, but leafy kind. I don't eat it, but I'll make sure that it looks good at least.

For the cocktail reception, red wine will be served. Whiskey is a yes, but no to beer for the cocktail. I don't want the beer smell lingering around. Coke, Orange Juice and Apple juice will be served. Yes, there will be plain water as well. I'd choose my own Whiskey though, since I'm so particular about alcohol. Yes, there will be no white wine because it tastes disgusting.

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#06: Not too many 姐妹s


Now, picking 姐妹s is like telling your friends which ones you like more and which ones you like less. If you had 姐妹s the way I do with my batch, you couldn't choose. I couldn't use all of them either, so I pray that they'd get married before me.

I don't believe in being a 姐妹 if you're married, because they usually have to be paired with a brother and it sucks for your husband to be watching that scene. Since I'll only get married after 30, I can predict which friends will be out of the race by then.

I'd like to have half a dozen of 姐妹s or 5 actually. I will mix and match them around, with friends from different groups. I do hope the same for my husband, whoever he may be, as well.

There is no way I'm getting children to be the flower girl/ring boy since I hate children. Therefore, I'll just go for a cute teenager. It will work, trust me. I hate children, and I hate to have their parents hold them behind my red carpet before they march down. It will ruin my perfect wedding, since children can rarely walk in a straight line as instructed,

My 姐妹s will have to wear a champagne gold with light pink dress - a halter neck style the one Marilyn Monroe wears. It will be flare so that they'd look cuter. They will be wearing white heels to match the look, and will have hair similar to mine. A ribbon has to be tied to the back, to make them look absolutely adorable.

Therefore, my 姐妹s have to have long hair.



They should each be holding a small bouquet of baby breaths with roses; with light make-up like mine. Since they are going to be in pictures with me, they should look natural as well.

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#07: A perfect Honeymoon.


Every girl wants to have the perfect Honeymoon, because it's the most romantic holiday of your life. It's better than any holiday you will have, and it will be filled with so much love.

Since it's like this, I'd choose the place I love the most in the world for my Honeymoon. Yes, my husband will have to compromise for this - New York.

We'd watch Broadway shows at night, and visit Times Square. Maybe we'll take a walk in Central Park, and visit the Empire State Building! I love New York, so I'd want to share the place I love the most with the person I love the most. Now, wouldn't that be perfect?

The Maldives are good, and so is Venice. I'd love Paris, or Rome, but my ideal choice is still New York. Hands down. Maybe a side trip to another state?


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Now, I've described my perfect wedding. I can picture it in my head, all the details and the ideal locations. However, I know things will definitely change years down the road. I still hope that the Joanna years down the road will still picture the wedding the same way I do now.

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One of the favourite scenes in the entire series, where Britana gets married finally, and Klaine spontaneously tie the knot as well. With Artie and Mercedes's voice to accompany, it was indeed a beautiful rendition of the song. Love love love this.

Hello there!

I made a new friend recently, and that has made me pretty happy. Recently, that friend and I were talking about self-love and regrets. We talked about how life comes with many regrets, and how we couldn't avoid some regrets in life.

Well, it got me thinking about the regrets I've felt in my life thus far. I've done many crazy things in my life, and regrets has seldom been a word that I used for my experiences. However, as I looked back this morning, I realised that I indeed faced some regrets in my life.

Therefore, I'm going to write about something a little sensitive for me today. It's a little personal, so I hope I will be able to complete this post properly. However, I feel like I should be using my experiences to let people understand the importance of self-love and regrets.

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I have had a very much dramatic secondary school life, and I thank those who stood by all the drama everyday for sticking by me through those times. There were some stuff that many didn't know, some that most people knew; some, well, I preferred to keep them to myself.

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#01: Don't ever let the word fat dictate your life


Yes, I am not the skinniest girl around, nor do I have abs and a perfect body. In fact, I do find myself to be pretty overweight sometimes. However, I am not overweight please don't judge me. However, I used to be really fat. Post PSLE, I celebrated my holidays with a lot of food and grew a lot fatter when I began school in secondary one.

A comment made by a male classmate one day, resulted in a year-long torture for me. Since I had a horrible double chin and my face was round like a ball, I told myself to lose weight. Therefore, I skipped dinner everyday for an entire year.

I read somewhere that dinner was the most fattening meal of the day, due to the late hours and portions we often eat. Therefore, I refused to eat dinner for an entire year. I would tell my friends that I'm going home to eat with my family, and tell my family that I already ate with my friends. To prevent suspicion on both ends, I sat with my friends through dinner time before I went home.


I managed to grow near to 10cm that year, and gained 0kg. It was a great achievement for me, and I felt so happy at that point. However, I begun to realised how horrible it felt to be missing out on dinner everyday. Eventually, I found the courage to eat again.

Yes, it felt amazing to have gained 0kg over the course of one year, despite growing up to 10cm. However, that one-year period was a torture. I had to watch people eat, feel the pain of gastric everyday, and endure it through sleep. I told myself every night, that breakfast was coming. It was painful, and the end result did not make me as happy as I expected myself to be.

Please, don't ever let people's comments dictate your diet. Don't let an insensitive boy who said you were fat to starve yourself everyday. Eat as much sugar as you want, you can exercise to work the fats off. I was real lucky to have found the courage to eat dinner again, but these diets have caused their effects on me as well.

Since I wanted to be skinny, I forced myself to hate sweet stuff. No chocolates, no sweets, no cookies or brownies unless a special occasion calls for one little slice. I told myself that I hate cakes, despite loving the taste of sponge cake, and only snuck a skittle once in awhile to keep the brain going. Since I told everyone that I detest sweet stuff, people stopped offering me. Therefore, I managed to stay healthy.

However, that did not make me any happier than when I ate sweet stuff. I did not feel any better... Not even when I felt skinnier. This has caused its effects on me, because I now find myself to truly detest sweet stuff. I will no longer be able to enjoy chocolates without feeling like puking, and eat sweets without feeling the urge to wash the taste down with a lot of water.


When we are young, we should enjoy the sweet things in life. I let the words of certain individuals dictate my diet, and will never be able to go back to the days when I could eat endlessly and gain little or no weight.

To all the people out there who think they are fat, you are not fat. You are amazing just the way you are, so please just eat that chocolate bar already. Please stop drinking that diet tea the salesman told you will help you to lose weight in a healthy manner, and stop swallowing your saliva during dinner and pick up the fork. Breakfast is a long time away from dinner, and maggie mee can be sinful but enjoyable once in awhile.

Don't hurt yourself for a skinny body, it's just not worth the while.

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#02: Don't, ever, ever, ever, ever self-harm.


I know it's been a trend these days to hurt oneself; it's common to let the physical pain numb the emotional and psychological pain we feel. I get it. I've been there. But don't do it, please. It helps nothing.

I vaguely remember the first time I cut.

I did badly on a test, my then-boyfriend and I broke off, and I felt like the world was crashing down on me. I headed to a popular after school, refusing to return home in a bad mood. There, I remembered that my friend mentioned about how pen knives could make your mood better. I went over to the stationery section, and picked a pink-colour pen knife.

I brought it home that night, and was initially afraid of the pain. However, when the blood begun to bleed, I felt as if the pain I felt emotionally was released. I felt like this physical pain, which was causing so much tears, was a way to cure me of the emotional pain I felt. I told myself, this is right. This feels right.

For months, and years... I continued this method of numbing my pain. I kept my pen knife in my pocket, and always told my parents that I simply injured myself during dance. My friends found out, but I gave little care to their worrying and nagging. They don't understand how I feel; They don't know the pain I feel. That's what I told myself.


But you know what? These scars don't go away. The scars on your arms? They stay. You will live the rest of your life remembering the boy and test that left you that scar. You will remember, clearly, the day you cried below his house because he refused to meet you and you didn't want to go home. That day, you watched your arm bleed and felt happier for a bit.

These scars stay, and they will always be a memory of the regrets you've made.

It took me near to 2 years, before the cutting stopped. I hid in the school toilet one day, feeling like I needed a deeper cut to rid me of my emotional pain. My friends rushed to the toilet, and stood outside crying. Some of them were banging on the door to ask me to come out, and some simply felt helpless. As I heard the tears, I realised the pain I was inflicting on the people who cared for me, while I was only caring about my own pain.

I broke my pen knife that day. I never looked back.


No boy is worth the blood on your wrist, and no test is so bad that you have to cut the words failure on your arm. Sending him photos of your bleeding wrist won't make him love you any more than he already does, and they won't heal the way your scrapped knees do.

These pain you inflict on yourself, they stay with you for the rest of your life. Don't make the mistake, please don't. If you ever, ever feel a need to rid yourself of emotional pain, punch a pillow or throw things around. Don't build pain on yourself to make yourself feel numb. You didn't numb yourself from the pain, you simply found a better reason to cry.

You only gave yourself the courage to cry, after holding it in for far too long.

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#03: Never let someone's compliments push you to your limits


What do I mean by this? Have you ever gotten a compliment from someone who mattered to you, over something completely insignificant? Have you ever worked harder than ever to continue getting compliments from that same person, despite knowing that you're pushing your limits?

I have.

I remember somewhere in secondary three, where I was continuously complimented by friends that I had a very flexible back. Since I was born with a flexible back, I required little effort to do stunts and stretches that required my back.

After receiving compliments from friends, I told myself to work harder. I had to work harder, and push my limits, to get better compliments from them. I had to be better than I was before, just so that I could feel my worth. Yes, I got my worth over the words of others. That, was unhealthy.

In the beginning, it was all fun and encouraging. Until it stops being so.


A few attempts to stretch my back further without warming up properly, eventually caused severe pain to me. However, I told myself that it was just the pain we feel when we're stretching ourselves. It was a healthy pain that would be accompanied with muscle-ache the following day, signifying our stretch the day before. The muscle-ache never arrived, and I was never the same again.

Until today, I can't lie on my stomach for an extended period of time. I could lie, of course, if I didn't mind the pain. However, the moment I begin lying on my stomach, my back will feel a spiking pain. Over half a minute of lying there would hurt enough for me to tear, and I seldom tear at pain.

There was no way I could have continued stretching my back, despite remaining flexible until today. All I do now, is smile and do whatever I can do. Whatever I can't, I simply smile and watch others do it. I let the compliments of others dictate my worth, and eventually resulted in the failure to take care of myself.

Sometimes, I feel like the most worthless person.

Don't let these compliments get to you, it's like the devil calling out to you. Don't let what others say, dictate your worth. You're worth more than the pretty looks you have, the amazing body you trained yourself to have, the flexibility of your limbs, or your popularity and wealth. You're worth so much more, and you should never conform to these compliments to push you beyond your limits.


You'd never know, one day, you may not be able to turn back again.

//

That was 3 of the bigger regrets in my life, albeit having many relationships in the past and having people ask me if I regret them. Ps. I don't. Anyway, I believe that many of us have faced similar issues in our younger, or current days. Some people may still be facing them, and some may come across such issues in the future. However, it's important to not lose sight of what's important and what matters.

Youth is a beautiful and precious thing; Hold onto the days you can eat as many chocolates as you want, drink as much soda as you want, soak your pillow over a broken heart and hit the wall over a failed test. Don't harm yourself where you shouldn't, and don't push yourself beyond limits where you know you can't achieve in a short period of time.

Please love yourself, for there are many people out there who love you. Someday, you'll understand. Until that day, please take care of yourself.

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Black or White by Glee. It was originally a song by Michael Jackson, but I found it to be a real motivating song!