I realised that I've been pretty angsty lately, with a lot of rants or complaints. I haven't actually taken some time to feel thankful for what I have ♥ Oh, and I have a lot. I lead a very blessed life, and I know that. I just feel like I should be giving some appreciation to a very special person in my life. No, Mother's Day or Father's Day is over. I also thank my friends enough.
Today, I want to thank the very special person in my life: Jian Hung ♥
//
Now, it's no secret that I've been together with Jian Hung for over a year now. Somewhere around this time a year ago, our relationship reached a wall. It was a wall, that required us to put down so much pride to get over, or we could just give up and walk away. Despite my previous relationships where I chose to keep my pride and walk off, I held on this time.
Throughout this year, Jian Hung has been there for me in the happy and sad days. He was there with me when I was worried for my family and cried secretly. He was there with me when I received happy news and was screaming for joy. He was there when I cried over sappy dramas, or when I got so annoyed I burst into tears.
I admit that our relationship isn't the most perfect. We fight, a lot. We can fight over the smallest things that don't matter, like what to eat for dinner. Sometimes, the fight escalates into something deeper than just meal arguments. We cry, we scream at each other, and we turn away. Sometimes, we run away.
But here's something that went different from my previous relationships: we come back. After all those fights, we come back together. We say sorry, we cry and hug. We talk about something funny, and laugh that argument off. And sometimes, I like to believe that this would be enough for the rest of my life. Days like this, I believe in that even more so.
If there was one thing we did right, we never argued in front of others. We refused to, and we continue to believe in this. A fight between couples, should stay within the couple. Although it was a shaky understanding at the beginning, I think we're really establishing that now. We don't like to disagree with each other in front of others, we hate that.
And for that, I really thank him ♥ Because he agrees with me, a lot. He agrees with me so that I don't have to feel sad over changing my opinion. He agrees with me so that I feel supported and happy. He knows I like to feel that I am correct, he understand my pride.
Many a times I said that he spoils me, and that's true. He gives in to my whines, cries, and tantrums. I like to think of him as an angel sent to me by God as a punishment for him. These days, I start to think that what I thought was true.
After a whole bunch of sappy, cheesy talk about my successful relationship and happiness, and how sweet my boyfriend is, here's what I really want to say to him.
//
Jh, you are the love of my life. I was a mess before I met you. I never knew what being happy feels like, I never could settle down. I wandered from people to people, hoping to find the peace I feel when I am by your side now. And then, I met you. With one look across the circle, I felt a feeling I never did feel before in my life.
You came into my life, song by song. From "I'm Yours" to "It's Time", you've made me feel loved again and again. You're like this magic pair of hands, that untangles every knot I have. Whenever I feel like it's a dead knot and I get frustrated over untangling it, you come in and take one second to untangle it. You do it so effortlessly, with a smile on your face.
There were days we fought, many in fact. But the best thing about us isn't the fights we've been through, it's the way we love each other. Some people say that you can never truly and properly love someone until you can love yourself. Before I met you, I didn't love myself. I despised the person I was, and the person I used to be before that.
You are magical, because you made me love myself while loving you. You made me love myself day after day, and manage to love me at the same time too. The best part about this, you never even tried. It comes so natural for you, to make me feel like the most blessed girl to have ever existed.
You are the answer to all the questions I've ever had in my life, and you will continue to be the answer to any questions I will ever have in future. You are the light in darkness, and you are the love of my life. I love you, and I can't imagine another day without loving you. I want to be with you, everyday, for the rest of my life.
Even if it means arguing over silly stuff and lazing in on weekends, I want to love you. I want to feel the way I've felt for the past year, for the rest of my life. Sometimes, especially now, I believe that's enough. I believe we're enough. Thank you for everything, and I will continue to thank you for the days ahead of us ♥♥♥
//
Ok that was really sappy and cheesy and disgusting. But you know what? I am proud of my relationship ((and my boyfriend)) and he deserves to know this. :)
This is for you. I know you don't like Lea Michele's voice but this song is really sweet.
We used to be sure, really we did.
Date / Time : Tuesday, July 7, 2015 / 9:05 PM
Hello there!
It's a really hectic period now, and everyone's busy rushing assignments or projects or studying hard for exams. People are breaking down, giving up, or struggling to make it through this semester ((or this year)). With less than a year to graduation, the fear of the future is finally dawning on me, and many of us actually.
What will you do after graduation? Apply for a local university? Overseas? Get a job? Serve the nation? There are so many paths, and so many possibilities out there. But when it comes down to it, none of us are absolutely sure anymore.
Why do I say "anymore"? Because we used to be, before the reality of this society crushed it, made our dreams seem so far and insignificant. We used to be sure, really we did.
//
When we were 5, we were often told to draw our dreams on drawing blocks. Some of us drew ourselves as a doctor, a teacher, a lawyer, or just with a happy family. Our parents were proud of us, they told us to study extra hard to become whatever we wanted to be, whoever we wanted to be.
When we were 9, we were told to study. Study hard, and do well for PSLE ((at primary 6)). My grandfather once told me to become a doctor, so I could help him with little illnesses when he grew old. I thought that day would never come, and I was afraid of blood. Despite so, we were told that with a good education, we could go anywhere in life.
When we were 13, we were told to tell the class what CCA we were in. Some of us were in dance, some of them were in sports. We laughed, often, at those in Science Clubs or Chess Clubs. We thought they were lame, boring, and irrelevant. At 13, we failed our first test. Our parents scolded us, told us to study harder, or we would not be successful in life.
When we were 15, we began to feel it. We found what we believed, was the love of our life. We pictured a future where we had a happy family. Our parents nagged at us to become doctors and lawyers, but we wanted to be professional dancers or basket-ballers. We believed it was possible, and we continued to dream. After a heart break, I stopped being afraid of blood. I grew accustomed to the sight of it.
When we were 16, we thought we knew everything. We planned our future, the best colleges, polytechnic courses, and the best universities. We would score below 10 for L1R5, and get into the school of our choice. Then, we would enter the most prestigious universities. Some of us still dreamt of becoming professional dancers, but that was no longer a feasible plan.
When we were 17, dreams faded. Scoring 14 for our L1R5 meant we couldn't get into the best colleges, but we could still get into a decent polytechnic. Telling ourselves that if we worked hard enough, we may get into a good university. We got into courses we knew nothing about, but that's ok. We just need to do well, and get into our dream university.
When we were 18, reality came crashing hard. A 4.0 GPA is near impossible, and now we're just struggling to keep a 3.3 average. Maybe we should aim to get into the course with the lowest GPA requirement in university? We just had to get into a university, that's the only way we would have a bright future. Our parents said little, but told us to work harder. "You are capable of more, you have to work harder."
Now we are 19, and a million paths lie ahead. Which one do we want to take? None of them. The path we wanted, the one we dreamt of at 5, 9, 13, 15, 16, 17, 18, were gone. Now, we have other paths to choose from.
1. Get a good internship and stick with that company after graduation
2. Wait around after graduation until a university accepts you
3. Apply for a university immediately and pray really hard
4. Spend a lot of money for overseas university
5. Serve the nation ((that isn't a choice for males, but I'm sorry for you anyway))
6. Wait.
Wait? Wait for what? Wait for a dream to appear, wait for that dream we had once, to reappear. We dreamt of being lawyers, professional dancers, degree holders, having a happy family, earning a lot of money. We are still capable of that, we just aren't sure how anymore.
The dreams we once had, are no longer the same dreams we can afford to have now. One friend is pursuing a diploma in Dance, one is doing social sciences, one is struggling to enter a university, and one just wants to get a job after graduation.
Do you remember that dream you drew at 5 years old? I don't remember now. It's a picture in my head, that had been smudged and blurred. I remember telling my sister I wanted to be a teacher, and now I can't imagine doing that.
//
Graduation. It's a scary point in life, and so is growing up. But graduation is a definite sign of growing up, something we can no longer avoid. I'm afraid, and so are many others. What should we do? We are capable of more, they say. We can do better, they still say. Is it really true though? Are we capable of more, or is that a lie we were told?
It's difficult now, with all the assignments drowning us. It's extremely difficult now, watching people around you secure their internship and having yourself float around. You are waiting for a notification from your inbox, but it's always e-mails about career talks at the library.
What are we waiting for? Internship? A sudden surge in our GPA? Our dreams to resurface? Or a miracle to make us 25 and successful? I don't know, but I know that I will know. That is a future tense, something that will eventually happen. I will know, eventually. When? Maybe at graduation, but I don't know for sure when. What I do know, is that we will find out.
Nobody is without dreams. We all had dreams, once we did. It's just different now, shattered, blurred, and tucked away into our memory. Reality killed those dreams, it always did. We just never knew, we were too young and we were told, "we could be anything, anybody, we wanted to be."
//
Get It Right - Glee. This is an original song by Glee. We may feel like we are getting it all wrong sometimes, but it's ok. Someday, we may get it right.
Joanna